I’d like to sit here and tell you all about how wonderful this year has been. About how much growth there has been mentally and spiritually. But honestly, I cannot. Today all I can really do is look at the plusses and minuses… weigh them out and try to move forward. It was not a banner year, but I suppose it could have been a lot worse. Some good things happened, externally and internally, but some wrenches were thrown in the cogs as well. I’ve managed to violate my own principles at times, hurt some people I love very much, and put the security of my family at risk. I’ve been judgmental without investigation, antagonistic, and contrary most of the time. I spent a good portion of the year dealing with depression, anger, stress, and just avoiding emotional or “hard conversations”.
I’m not going to say that 2014 sucked, it’s just a measure of time. But instead I will say that I sucked through a good portion of this year. My time during this year, today, seems like it was 1 step forward 2 steps back. Some people I know say things like “do not regret the past, nor close the door on it.” I understand the meaning, the lessons that come; but that statement does not ease the sense of regret I feel today. I honestly can see where the selfishness, lack of faith, and little gratitude have become a part of my thinking. In turn I know there have been times of selflessness, and a lot of gratitude have played a part, but again, one outweighs the other. “You really are a heel, you’re as cuddly as cactus you’re as charming as an eel…. you’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel…” Retrospection is a bitch innit?
So, now what? I can say today without a shred of doubt, that I have no clue. Promises? Apologies? Declarations? What do they all mean? If we cause enough discomfort, they really don’t mean squat. I used to say, frequently, “don’t apologize unless you’re going to change the behavior”, “it’s not what you say; it’s what you do”… there are some other one’s too, but those are the most glaring principles I have stepped on time and again. So, now what? I know I need to get back to basics. Gratitude lists, ideals list, principles, thinking things through, realizing the chaos that you have spun; the insanity of it, and having a faith that can restore some sanity. Faith, prayer and meditation. There was a time when I was, I believe at my best, because much of my time was spent in faith prayer and meditation. When I stopped practicing those things the cynical, antagonistic, self centered part of me took over. Yes as we have well discovered there are two of me. There is Horowitz, who is the detrimental part, the depressive; the self-centered yet self loathing, the antagonist. Then there is Freddy. They are not alike in any way. Freddy is the young, playful, happy kid. I like Freddy, I think most people do. Freddy builds the cogs and loves them, Horowitz throws the wrench and tries to destroy them. Freddy sits all day and builds a magnificent sand castle on the beach, and just as he sits back to admire it, Horowitz tries to show up and smash it, and tells Freddy it wasn’t good enough anyways. Nobody likes Horowitz.
I would like to make promises, and give the apologies…but I don’t know if they’ll be accepted; or believed for that matter. I don’t know if I would accept or believe them. And that’s the hard truth. I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. I don’t have any inclination that it is just going to be smooth sailing. I have work to do, changes to make, promises to myself to make and keep, and others if they’ll have them. Conversations that need to be had, pride that needs to be swallowed, help that needs to be asked for, prayers that need to be said, and an ego that needs to be reckoned with. And a mother fucking cage of krypton to seal Horowitz in! Yes I talk about these two characters, and have given them names. I love Freddy, and Freddy just wants to be loved and love back even more. I want to live more like Freddy, show the love I have, and grow it. Allow those near me to love me and know me, what I’m thinking, what I’m doing.
I don’t like choices I’ve made, there was another path where I wished I’d stayed. I have some fear of what may come, mostly from the damage already done. Walking back towards the light, where the flowers bloom in colors so bright. Sunshine beckons through the trees, their delicate and gently whispering leaves; telling the tales of strangers past, lessons learned and blessings cast. Upon these paths we’ve met and fared, hours days or lifetimes shared.
Can you call a Mulligan in life?
Hey big guy….make me an instrument of Your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, harmony; where there is error, truth; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.